Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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