Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
