Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
