I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
