So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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