i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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