Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize