I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
