i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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