dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
