y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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