I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
