My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The uberlube is also flammable
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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