I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
