I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
