I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
