we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
