At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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