We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
