Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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