I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
