Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
