so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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