I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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