if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize