I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
