Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize