Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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