make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
high people should be assigned attendants
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Randomize