I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
