Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
did you just send me my own nude
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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