You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
