I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
