Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
