You really coming over, don't trick.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need a beard to bite.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
