The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
