Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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