Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
