literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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