walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
