tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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