lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
