Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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