Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
