Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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