I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
