I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
