Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
