Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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