i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
