we have officially lost it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
