I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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